Living

I write not out of despair but ,of joyful recognition that I am blessed...fortunate to be alive and living... I know of many people who pretend to live but, are far from being alive... they exert so much effort just to go thru the motions that they forgot what living truly means... that to live you must think, do and feel... think freely, do diligently and feel deeply...

I have lost so much the past year... a best friend, a friend, a lover... a home... it was easy to be angry. It was easy to cucumb to pain. It was easy to drown myself in tears and in misery but, easy is not a way out. Easy is not what life is all about.

I have learned what it takes and means to be brave. Brave during difficult times, when everything in you wishes to give up but, you find the strength to fight. Brave enough to give up and walk away. Move on and not hold on to a dream that never was. To seek the truth and live with it, that is brave.

My truth is... I still mourn everything and everyone that I have lost. I grieve for the empty spaces they left behind and weep for the deafening silence. Although, the grieving never stops, the pain subsides and you find new reason to hope, strive, love and rejoice. I could bravely and gratefully say that by losing them and what they meant in my life, I have gained more than I can possibly imagine. I found me in the embers of fire that threatened to destroy my inner self. I created new frienships, built new dreams. God has allowed me to lose all that I thought I knew so, I could gain everything I need to know.

People are surprised why I am able to laugh. How can I smile during the troubled times? Where do I draw the stregth? The storm has not passed and the rain shows no sign of stopping. Despite everything that has transpired and everything that is bound to happen, I chose to be strong, bold...brave. I remain steadfast in my faith. And though, it may suprise many, I believe that I am what I am and I am what I have become becuase of him that ceaselessly watches over me. I trust that I will not be tested beyond what I cannot bear. I trust that he has plans to only prosper me and not harm me. All these are simply a test of faith... a nudge... a reminder.

I refuse to succumb to life's partialities and unfair shakes. I would not be beaten by the tribulations that ceaselessly find me. As I live my life, a life well-lived, I am hopeful that I continue to be unafraid to hope, to love, to build new friendships. I pray that I am able to stack up on the laughter and happy memories so, when sorrow comes (and it will), I can reach deep inside me and find the courage to fight... find the strength to hope , find a reason to smile.